Share 12 tips that as a parent I would give to other parents
Yesterday was Father's Day in Spain and in addition to being congratulated by our children and wives we were congratulated in Babies and more as in many of the blogs of mothers that flood the network. Parents are all of us who have children and there are many types and styles: some more committed, others less. Some more affectionate, others less. Some more patients, others less. Some more serious, others more smiling or pranksters. Some more experienced and others beginners. Some like this and others ...
Taking advantage of the recent celebration, I found it interesting to offer you the 12 tips that as a father would give to other parents . Maybe they are interesting and maybe not. As I always say (and within a few lines you will see), the tips are free and everyone is free to follow them or not.
They are the advice of a father (me) with five years of experience (the ones my oldest son has) who one day decided to make an effort to raise and educate his children in the way he considered best, despite not always being liked by the majority of society. I'm not saying that my way of doing it is the good one. I do not say that my truth is THE TRUTH. I simply offer it to you, the one I believe in and with which I "got married". It is the jacket that I have decided to wear and the only thing I am trying now is to show what my jacket looks like to those who look at me and tell me: "Go, this jacket I had never seen...
You could say that these are the 12 tips that I, as a father, would have liked to listen to 5 years ago . I leave you with them:
Do not look back, but forward
You do not have to raise your child the same way you were raised (or yes). Look back just to find out what made you feel good and what made you feel bad, at what time you thought your father was the best in the world and at what time you felt terribly humiliated.
I know it hurts to try to mentally relive situations that have already healed (or that you think they have), but sometimes it's worth opening a little wounds to look inside, know them and avoid doing them again to your children. The easiest way for everyone is to replicate the parenting style they received. If in your childhood there were hard moments that you would rather not have lived, if you got tired of hearing "it's for your own good" and if one day you said or thought "no, when I'm a father I will not be like you", break the chain, it ends that inheritance and opens a new way looking forward .
The tips are just that, tips
Following them is an option and, normally, the best one is the one that makes you feel good . When the head says one thing and the heart another, it is usually more accurate to follow the second. At least, whether you're wrong or not, you've been consistent with your beliefs and your feelings.
Learn to wait
If you still feel that life can offer you a lot, learn to postpone things . The first years of a child's life only happen once, however you will have time to do everything you want when they grow up.
Put yourself in the place of your son
Be empathetic, always try to understand your child and always try to put yourself on his skin to know what he feels and why he does things . Once you realize that the crying has a real motivation and that really needs you, you will realize that you have much to offer.
Show that you are the adult
With this I do not mean that you have to demand blind obedience, nor teach them who is in charge, or anything like that. What I try to convey is that in a relationship between parents and children there are many times when conflicts appear and in many cases our children "explode", either in tears, or in anger, either violently or a cluster of all this.
We are the adults, we are the ones who have, in this relationship, more capacity for understanding, more communication skills and more experience. We must use all this to try to find a solution according to our capabilities . When we do not take advantage of them and we put ourselves at the level of the children, we end up acting in the same way, with anger, in a violent way and trying to settle the issues without negotiating, without dialogue and therefore without providing learning to the children.
Do not become the protagonist
Children usually choose a single caregiver when they are babies and children and when things go bad they will always go to him. This main caregiver is usually the mother. You must not compete with the mother so that the child wants you the same or have to compete with the baby so that the mother will continue to love you. Just let things flow. If you understand that your position at the beginning is in the background you can approach your baby while he is with mom and he will make the case you deserve. Little by little, as you grow older and start sharing moments with you, there will be days when you can not take it off of you.
Enjoy the moment
"Enjoy your children now, they grow very fast" is a very clear phrase that only those who have already lost the childhood of their children tend to verbalize. They will only take the first step once, they will only say "daddy" for the first time once, they will only make their first drawing once, they will only enter the school for the first time once and on days like that you can be very important . I, for example, take a party whenever they have a special party at school and always it is the birthday of one of my children. In a few years it will not be necessary for me to do it, but now I want to be there.
The longer, the better
Following this maxim, to take advantage of children's childhood you must spend a lot of time with them . To more time, more contact, more relationship and more union. When there is trust in a relationship everything flows more easily and conflicts are solved better. Time is, for children, gold and a perfect way to tell them that they are important to you.
Learn from them
Many adults believe that in a father-son relationship the one who learns is always the son. That's not true. Children have a lot to teach parents, because parents are big children who have forgotten too many things.
Children are all feelings, they are the purest truth, the innocence, the integrity and the essence of the human being. Every time a child is born, their parents have the opportunity to reconnect with all that they have lost over time and how well we all would go.
Look for alternatives to the cheek and punishment
People do not believe me when I tell them that my 5-year-old son has never been beaten or punished (and they do not believe me because, given such lack of corrections, it would be logical for them to be an indomitable fair, and it is not) . It is true that I have taken it once, lost my patience, with more strength than I would have liked, but not as an educational method, but as a result of the emotional explosion. Then I have lost forgiveness for my mistake and I have tried to approach positions.
Dialogue is a very good tool to avoid punishments and cheeks and the time you spend with your child too. The dialogue must be aimed at showing the consequences of their actions and why you do not like what they have done ("I do not like you to hit children, because you hurt them and they cry. You do not want anyone to hit you either "), instead of threatening (" if you hit again we'll go home / you'll run out of pictures / you do not play today "), because in this way you downplay the importance of suffering of the people affected and because you attach importance to things that are not at that moment (drawings, play,...
Become a good example
Children learn most things by observation and imitation. There is a phrase that stuck with me the first time I read it (and that I will never forget), whose author I do not know who says: "Education is everything we do when we are not educating", which goes to say that it is just as important We tell them what we do even when we believe they do not see us or hear us.
A few days ago I could hear a 6-year-old girl tell a black child that "you can not play because you're black." I find it hard to believe that this girl's racism comes from her own work and it is very easy for me to believe that she has simply heard at home (or in another environment) adults insulting blacks.
Having a child is a huge responsibility and to transmit values, responsibility and respect for others we must have values, be responsible and respect others.
It does not matter how patient you are in your life. No matter how much patience you have on a day to day basis, you will need to increase the dose to raise a child. Children cry and sometimes they do it even when you listen to them. Tantrums, for example, are a clear test that can determine how full our "tank" of patience is. If you always end up shouting and breaking the deck it means you need more patience.
"Bad weather, good face" is a great phrase for moments like that. Sometimes I myself have been surprised to see that I boil inside and that where it used to explode now I am able to retain (although there is always some bad day when the level is low, short). In any case, the important thing is to be aware of it and try to act with the intelligence that we are supposed to be adults.
Photo | Armando BastidaIn Babies and more | Punset: Five tips to make a baby a capable and happy adult, 10 things that I allow my son to do, 101 tips for parents, Be a dad: nobody said that having a child was easy